Ask Janine: How can I Affirm My Queerness without being Cringe?
Being queer in 2025 is so much more than thumb rings, Billie Eilish, nose piercings, and undercuts.
“Hey Janine, I’m bisexual and married to a man. I am monogamous but still want to honor my bisexual side. How can I come across as gay to others in a way that isn’t cringe?”
Love, Confused and Out of the Closet
This is a question I’ve received a few times over the last few months both as a DM and in IRL. Let’s get into it.
Maybe this comes as a surprise, maybe it does not…
A lot of people are really really gay.
I follow a fleet of bisexuals, pansexuals, baby queers, and other members of the rainbow alphabet. It is a spectrum. There is a common theme that I have noticed amongst openly bisexuals; particularly who are femme presenting:
How to flag to others that you are apart of the LGBTQ+ community.
When I first came out, I found myself leaning into just about every sapphic stereotype you could possibly imagine. Short hair, a double venus tattoo, boots, an arsenal of flannels, and lots of beanies. I had a full fledged uniform. Photo evidence below.
Over the last decade I have learned that the best way to appear gay is to just show up unapologetically as I am. “How can I look more gay?” by showing up as you are knowing that your identity is imbedded in your marrow. However there are a few overt ways to make your presence known that do not involve yapping about iced lattes, wearing a carabiner, or compromising your personal style in wearing oversized clothing.
Adding a little rainbow here and there 🏳️🌈
One way to flag in a way that is not as overt is through emojis. I use the rainbow flag pretty liberally on my social platforms in the bio section. If that is a bit too overt, consider utilizing emoji hearts in the flag that best represents your identity
Lesbian flag colors 🤍🧡💖
Pansexual flag colors 💛💙💖
Bisexual flag colors 💖💜💙
Community Spaces 🫶🏾
The most affirming way to lean into your queer identity is to immerse yourself in queer spaces. This does not just have to be limited to gay clubs. There are numerous organizations, brunch, groups, and meetups that cater to LGBT+ identities.
Spending time with community is the absolute best way to gain a stronger understanding as to what queer culture is all about, but can also be a sense of support. Most LGBTQ Centers have robust social groups for for trans men, queers of color, queers in AA, polyamorous queers, late in life queers, and seniors who are queer…just to name a few. These are particularly helpful if you are in a heterosexual presenting relationship yearning for platonic connections. Not in a queer friendly city? Plura has a number of digital spaces for you to tune into!
Supporting Other Queers! 💫
What better way to be a gay’s gay than by helping others. Consider working with as many queer small business owners and service providers as possible. Websites like Yelp and Hey Famm make discovering fellow friends of Dorothy with ease. Many providers will be quick to tell you on their website or socials if they are queer or queer-friendly. Below is a list of types of providers to jog your brain.
🌹Tattoo artists & piercers
🌹Massage therapist & bodyworkers
🌹Acupuncturists
🌹Piercers
🌹Hair stylists & estheticians
🌹Fitness trainers
🌹Witches & Healers (like me!)
🌹Photographers & creatives
🌹Pet service providers (vets, trainers, sitters, etc)
🌹Coaches
🌹Coffee shops, restaurants, and cafes
Hope that gives you some ideas beyond just rocking Chappell Roan tees and thumb rings. The gayest thing you’re wearing is yourself.
xo,
Your Psychic Janine