This past weekend I found myself in the throws of Dolores Park on a sunny Saturday afternoon. The love I had for those all around me was so beautifully thick. Friends of numerous years and walks of life all gathered to bask in the glory of queerutopia.
I caught up with a friend…let’s just call her Chloe about major and minor life updates on her end. She explained that she had just finished her second master’s degree, how she and her partner were doing well…you know; the usual things with a lot of active listening and thoughtful commentary.
As we got into my side of things, I realized that I had not updated her on my breakup from last year’s Pride Season. I spent the next 15 minutes telling my story to a micro crew of friends who intently listened. Listen…the only thing people enjoy more than hearing about polyamory stories is polyamorous breakup stories.
Without getting too in the weeds, I basically stated the following:
My ex was not prioritizing me at all in our dynamic; even after I made multiple bids for connection. There were other underlaying frustrations within our dynamic, but everything essentially came back to this.
While it’s not uncommon for people not to share stories of exes with others…friendly reminder: You do not owe these people anything. Not a friendship, not a final fling, nor a social media connection. It is high time that we start speaking honestly about how relationships conclude with trusted sources. To know me is to also get some tidbits regarding my past; which I am finally open to sharing…after years of keeping it relatively close to my chest. What can I say? There are some memoir worthy tales that need to be told.
A Micro list of my exes (I define these as committed partnerships)
Exes I talk to and consider a friend: 1
I ended things with her. She said she wanted to try friendship, she followed up on her word and is a very good friend.
Exes I have a digital ‘friendship’ with: 1
-We are civil enough…but I do not rely on them for any emotional labor.
Exes I do not talk to at all: 5
-My abusive ex. Civil blood when in public together.
-We all know about the NYE Paris ex. Bad blood.
-This ex was relatively short lived. She ended things to work on herself and tried to reconnect. I told her no.
-We all know about Marion Noelle. Awkward blood?
-My ex fiance. I have not heard from him since he got engaged. No bad blood…but definitely some toxic monogamy perhaps.
With all that being said, if you’re like me…remember, you don’t have to shrink yourself or fit into the box that any person (especially an ex) tries to put you in. Friendship is a two way street. Not talking at all is a boundary that one of even both people can take.
Your homework: Try making a list if you feel inspired to reflect on previous chapters of your love life. Notice any feelings if you feel inclined. This can be a marvelous way to get in touch with your own intuition, bonus points if you can verbalize this to shake up that throat chakra (which is a commonly blocked one). Be gentle with yourself during this exercise. Be gentle and stay in your magic. ✨